Shop till you drop!

Sometime I sit in my home and look around me, I'm not exactly master/mistress of all I survey, I feel like a slave to all the piles of stuff that make me feel so miserable.
I'm not really one for passing the buck, I'm very stoic (so I've been told) I call a spade a spade and when I've made a balls up of my life I'm quite happy to stand up and say "yes it was me, I put my hands up, its my fault" ...so where are my thoughts leading today?
I've done a lot of research into hoarding, some of it is intentional, some of it while I've been trying to find help, and some of the information I've picked up watching these TV shows that present hoarders at their worst and at their lowest ebb.

From what I can glean from all these separate snippets of information is that some Hoarding is caused by a loss or a tragedy or an unresolved issue - and this may well be true but I tell you hand on heart MY hoarding was caused by me and me alone and by my love of shopping!

Now by Uk standards I'm quite poor, I don't have a large disposable income, certainly not enough to be splashing the cash as it were, but I shop! boy do I shop!

I tend to be quite a perfectionist, I'm a Virgo it's supposed to be one of my traits - I'm also a crafter and can spend many hours fussing over minute details that no one else would probably notice or give two hoots about!
In my mind all I have ever wanted is a beautiful home, I'm not into shoes, clothes or handbags ... I'm into beautiful houses :)
I love these shows that turn run down properties into gleaming swanky properties within an hour of painting and a quick strategic move of the settee.
I love wallpaper ... even typing the word wallpaper gave me a warm glow lol
I own hundreds of wallpaper samples! when I am feeling low or outside forces have brought me down I purchase wallpaper samples or another new, small, but perfectly formed item to beautify my home.

Seriously you love beautiful homes? Hello? reality check!

Believe me the irony is not lost upon me, like I said my one main goal in life was a happy lovely home.
I've never been a great achiever, I've never really aimed high, I've always been content with the vision of my perfect house, it was enough to keep me happy.
I have been very lucky over the years, there has not really been a time when I have been homeless - a brief period in my teens when my parent was ill and didn't want me around saw me sharing a room with 5 other girls .. a half way house if you will.
Apart from that time Ive always had somewhere to live and call my own, but the house where I live now is a confusing old place.
I had great visions for it, decorating wise and I suppose it figured heavily in future aspirations in my family life as well.

After my marriage failed I did actually keep house quite well.

My child would spend alternate weekends with her dad and I would use that time to tidy and re-decorate. I remember my mum used to walk through my rooms saying "I would love a house just like this one"
So I try to think back to the period I moved from a beautiful home to rooms with no space?
I remember try to maintain the lifestyle I had before becoming a single mum, keeping my child fed and clothed, trying to maintain the 'I'm coping great on my own persona' but in essence I wasn't.

My friends were all married and even though they could empathise they didn't extend their interest past meeting for lunch and catching up on the divorce gossip.
My mum from her own experience was vitriolic in her advice so offered little comfort to the situation. The only things that really seemed to offer any solace was eating and shopping!
I suppose along the way I didn't notice that these two pass times were being used as a band aid ... I didn't really notice I was self medicating and giving myself a 'quick lift' to replace the gloom.

The more chaotic my life and home became the more I felt the urge to fix it by buying beautiful things. Things that I would eventually put in place when everything was right in my beautiful home scheme.
The terrible sadness and complete irony in all of this is that over the last 7 years my home is verging on being a dump, both literally and figuratively.
Underneath the stuff that is piled around the rooms my home is crumbling, parts are falling off, damp is invading and a few times we have been invaded by mice .. not so unusual in the countryside but it all added to the grimness and weight around my neck that my beautiful home had become.

Another one of my pass times was looking online for a new house. I spent hours scouring for a new place to move to, a place to escape from my crowded surroundings and all my junk ... In reality I couldn't and cant afford to move - and even though I've been fantasizing about selling I've never yet mustered the energy to sort the house and get it valued.

So the plaster is falling off, the wallpaper is peeling, the windows are falling out and my carpets are black and impossible to get clean.
All the money I spent on quick fixes would have been better off spent keeping a warm comfy home that was happy and open to all.

In the spirit of being kind to myself; though not boastful or arrogant, I have to remind myself  that I kept the roof over our heads, my child is happy and well cared for and thrives at school.
I did what I did through sad times, through times of adjustment and quite possibly through times I could have gone slightly crazy!

So today I went shopping

So to sum up ... yes today I went shopping, we often go to a cheap store, it sells beautiful items at budget cost. I always leave with something and so does my child.

A new lamp
A vase
A pillow
etc etc.

Small things that bring me joy, but today an opportunity presented itself. As we approached my favorite shop a group of guys were collecting for charity. Now I am as skeptical as they come with charities that approach you on the street and rarely sign up for direct debits or donations,
but as I was wondering around the shop looking at the latest things on the shelves it hit me ... How am I ever going to get my house in order when I never stop buying?
What is the point in constant purchasing when I can't breath with the amount of stuff I have now?

It was kind of a Eureka moment!
So I went back outside and signed up for the monthly direct debit for the charity. I don't think its a life altering amount for anyone, but I hope it was a mindful moment for me.
I'm not going to constantly keep buying and spending, I'm going to try and claim my home back.

It's going to take a lot of hard slog, its going to take me a long while ... but for the first time in many, many years - hand on heart I know I'm going to to do it.
It isn't going to be an ideal home, it isn't going to be perfection, its just going to be reclaimed and used for what ever I see fit! It might be tea with friends, it might be a sleep over for my daughter, but I will decide ... I will not be laid claim by stuff - stuff is stuff - nothing more and nothing less!

So on a positive note I thumb my nose to stuff, thumb my nose to shopping .... the eating? Well lets handle one crutch at a time lol
Goodbye for now from an Untidy Mind.

If music be the food of love ... Play on!

I love music, I don't think a day goes by when I'm not glued to You Tube or have the radio playing in the background.
Sometimes my mood can feel quite bleak. It might be hormones (mine or my daughters)
It could be another hour long call when a relative feels the need to remove the weight of the world from their shoulders and place it very firmly onto mine, or even worse ... When another piece off my old house falls off and I cant afford to fix it.

So I feel very lucky and grateful that I have music to help me through the day.
Its a soothing, reassuring background noise, its an occasional mad dance around the living room when that brilliant tune comes on, or a bedroom door slammed when mum is listening to her music too loud "oh the irony " I was told off for having Radio One on too loudly as a kid and now I get told off from my daughter even though I'm the grown up!

Anyway back to today's posting. I thought I would add a few videos to the page that typify my hoarding ... I'm not sure if its allowed but I'm sure any of the kind folk that happen upon my page  will advise me if I make a mistake.
In no way shape or form do I own, or own any rights to these videos, they are just to a little nod to my hoarders life.

 

Everybody was shuffling

 

Everybody was shuffling, if there was an Olympic sport dedicated to moving stuff from one place to another I know I would be up for Gold.
If I had to count the hours I had productively spent sorting my possessions it would be vast. I have great plans, I put the music on to keep me company and I set off to tackle my hoard.

Sometime I set a goal time say 30 minutes? Other times I get lost in the tidying!
I will get my head down and tidy like there is no tomorrow, I work with such gusto I forget to eat and drink. I look up at the clock and hours will have passed.
Its round about here that I start patting myself on the back and congratulating myself.

• Today I got on with it!

• Today I didn't procrastinate

• Today I really worked hard till my back/knees/head hurt (Please feel free to add your own achy body parts here)

• Today my daughter will see how hard I've worked

• Today my mum will have no reason to turn her eyes to the sky and start nagging

Yes today has been a brilliant day! So I sit and stare around the room to enjoy the space I have created and I look forward to easily moving through the area that was so cluttered .... but in reality I just want to cry!
The room looks 100 times worse! But How? What the Hell? I don't understand?

Five hours spent shuffling. Now I didn't know till recently that this is a 'thing' that some hoarders do, its called Churning You may be very familiar with the term, you may be very familiar with the task, but what a soul destroying energy wasting occupation it is.

Churning, shuffling whatever you want to call it, it's one of the things on my to do list and to learn about list. I really intend to research the subject and speak to a few experts to see if  they can come up with useful hints and tips on how to break this cycle.

 

 Cos I'm a one man band

 So Leo Sayer? What has he got to do with hoarding, not much as far as I know but I do resonate with the title, Cos I'm a one man band
In general I'm a happy kind of person, a glass half full kind of a gal - I genuinely cant help it, yes I do have the odd moment when the world gets on top of me but I'd say 99% of the time I'm annoyingly upbeat and happy!
I draw people to me and I don't mean that in a bragging or boastful way, it just is.
I'm the kind of person who will sit at a bus stop or cafe and someone will tell me their story.

I believe every story is worth listening to and at one stage I did start training to be a counselor (but that's another story)
It's fair to say people want to be in my life and very often try to invite us into theirs.
They want to pop round for a tea or a coffee, they want come across when they are at a loose end or when I post on social media that I feel bored or lonely when my girl has gone to her dads.

Hoarding in my personal opinion is one of the loneliest conditions/illnesses.
I can not open my home to the masses, I can not open my home to my family and friends, and I can not open my home to repair guys/gals to fix my tumble down home - even if I did have the money to do so ....  And yet as much as I reject  people I am really desperately lonely at times.
It's a terrible paradox really ... Like a sad eternal loop that cant be broken. I hoard so people can not enter my life, I'm lonely.
I don't always want  people in my life, but I'm lonely.

Loneliness is a killer, it sucks big time, its a painful and miserable ball all rolled into one and yet it is still not a big enough inducer to sort out my hoard. So part of my brain and its a big part of my brain is telling me that as lonely as I am I don't actually want to invite folk into my home and into my life!

See I have the understanding behind hoarding but not necessarily the tools or knowledge to defeat it quite yet, but I'm hoping these things will come in time.

I just quickly like to add that as a one man band only I am allowed to sort my hoard out, many hands do not make light work ... many hands induce anxiety, but that's a subject I will touch on at a later date.

Under Pressure

 

Unless you are a total hermit and that's a valid enough life choice for some - you will probably come under pressure from someone or maybe yourself to clear and sort your hoard.

I'm often made to feel guilty, bad, ashamed and under inspection from the small circle of people within my life where my hoarding is concerned.
I'm in my late 40's now and I can honestly say hand on heart I'm no longer into self depreciation.
I'm not a terrible person, I'm not a fantastic person I'm just me, a person who happens to have two house worth of possession in one!

But I am human and I do feel social pressure to conform and have a 'normal' house and home.
I have had neighbors comment on my garden and the length of my grass, my ex pops in occasionally to use the loo when he picks our child up and I feel terribly judged as his eyes scan the rooms.
I feel angst ridden when my mum start another lecture on the toys the washing (insert whatever household object here) the irony is she also was a hoarder until she moved in with a 'neat freak' her words not mine!
And I feel under pressure from friends who in that past have told me just to skip it all.

The sad thing about hoarding is yes there may be an accumulation of junk but there's also an accumulation of memories as well. Mixed in with the clothes that no longer fit is a string my Ex husband threaded cheap plastic heart beads on from a Christmas cracker.
Buried in the wardrobe is old pressed glass that came from my grandmas house. Under piles of stuff are drawings my daughter made when she was one, two or three.
All of these things have great emotional value to me and it feels disrespectful and painful to even think of skipping them.

But having said that statement the logical side of my brain is saying "if these items are such beloved treasures why are they buried and lost to my eyes and mind"

I can see to an outsider how all of this hoarding malarkey makes absolutely no sense, and I suppose that's the crux of the problem, if we could make sense of the hoard, the sense of the emotions and sense of the behavior untidily rapped around it all, then we possibly wouldn't be hoarders any more.

So that's all for today I feel like i have rambled a little so my apologies.  I don't expect you to read all my musings - drop in when you want and take from it what you will :)

and if you have stuck with me this far, thank you for listening to my Untidy Mind

Is this all to painful to reveal?

Am I really bearing my sole to the world?

I was sat pondering last night about being a hoarder, how long have I been like this, how long have I lived with my home and life in disarray?
Like most hoarders this unconventional life was triggered by a trauma.

When I think back over the years I've lived in 5 homes in my adult life.
 My first home was a small room. It had a single bed a sink and a small cooker. I went out and bought a few meters of bright fabric and made curtains a bed cover and a frilly curtain that wrapped around the bottom of the sink/cupboard. Reflecting back it probably looked like a small cake smothered in gaudy icing, but it was comfy and cosy and I was happy.

My second home was rented from a relative. It was big and empty. My new partner and I had nothing to fill it with. We initially slept on a mattress on the floor in front of an open fire!
It wasn't to be romantic or lovey dovey, nope it was because there was no heating in the house and it was the only way to keep warm lol

Next we graduated to a new build flat - it felt so posh and luxurious ... it had heating for starters and storage, it was petite but perfect. That home was pretty much always tidy and a wizz to sort out.

Next we moved to our first mortgaged home, I was married by now and desperately in love. In the Uk we have an expression .. we say the"the polish has worn off" meaning when you have been with someone for a while, that initial huge rush of love you feel for them settles down - you get into a nice routine and that huge hit of Oxytocin/love hormone that floods your brain finally settles and you are in a relationship.
 Well mine never did. I loved the chap I was with so strongly it was almost painful .. It was like a terrible teenage crush only I didn't worship him from a far I worshiped him from very, very near.
To be fair the more I loved my partner the less he cared, I was convinced he would find someone better, more attractive etc etc and life pretty much started to be uncomfortable for us both - but still I was sort of happy and the house was spick and span.

The house we moved into now (my hoarding house) started to show the cracks. It was like a self fulfilling prophecy. I knew eventually my husband would leave me because I smothered him in love but as I found out years later we were actually trapped in a really unhealthy cycle.
He was actually a passive aggressive man - a trait I don't think either of us recognised or had even heard of, but this made our lives really complicated.
 He would punish me by withdrawing love, affection and attention, so then I would try my hardest to get him to notice and love me, so on and on the cycle would continue.
Quite crazy when I look back on it but eventually it did make me feel quite ill and mentally very very low. My self esteem was at an all time low and I couldn't actually leave my home unless my husband was with me - of course by this stage my husband realised he didn't actually love me and was feeling pretty low himself, but instead of leaving the relationship he continued to live in our home and he started to treat me like a relative rather than a partner.
I knew that something was wrong but I don't think either of us understood what was occurring or possessed the energy or skills to fix it.

Obviously I'm skimming over 20 years of my life, and I'm cherry picking events that added to my homely demise.
 After 20 years my marriage ended and its fair to say it broke me, 7 years later I'm still slightly 'broken' and living in self imposed chaos and clutter.

Outwardly I present quite a self confident and assured persona (I hope) In fact I have been described as being stoic, hard and unemotional, but I always think of myself as a Swan, kind of serene and quiet above the water but peddling frantically below to stop myself from drowning.
 As a more mature adult I can look back on it all and feel sad for myself and my ex partner - about how things turned out.
Retrospect is a wonderful thing and if I had my time again obviously, I would do it all a different way.

The terrible twist in the tale?

So I'm on the road to recover right? I've sat down and analyzed the wherefores and the whys?
I know why I hoard so I should be able to start healing Blah Blah Blah ....
NO! Because after 25 plus years and 7 years of divorce and two rounds of therapy I still love my husband - see even my brain still addresses him as my husband not my ex!

And that is my shame and my unresolved issue, and why I hoard. What ever stages we move through while grieving a lost relationship - I refuse to let go.
I know it is self destructive, self deprecating and stupid for want of a basic word - but there it is!

I acknowledge the fact ... it is my dirty little secret.
I'm still in love with the man, and as sad or pathetic as it will appear to you and anyone who happens across my random musings, its the truth.

If it was a friend or a relative in a similar situation I would grasp them very firmly by the shoulders and shake & shake them till they saw sense whilst giving them a 100 reasons why he or she was being an absolute Loon!

So there we go, I rarely share these thoughts with anyone and in some or most ways, I feel terribly ashamed and juvenile to still have these feelings - but as the saying goes " it is what it is"

So after a very long post I can only say goodbye for today, If nothing else I hope I've given you food for though ... I believe there is a reason we hoard, we just have to figure out and face whatever it is.
As I admit and unburden these snippets of my life I hope my mind will be slowly become less untidy and so will my home.
Thanks for listening and I'll catch up with you soon ... Be kind to yourself from the Untidy Mind