Is this all to painful to reveal?

Am I really bearing my sole to the world?

I was sat pondering last night about being a hoarder, how long have I been like this, how long have I lived with my home and life in disarray?
Like most hoarders this unconventional life was triggered by a trauma.

When I think back over the years I've lived in 5 homes in my adult life.
 My first home was a small room. It had a single bed a sink and a small cooker. I went out and bought a few meters of bright fabric and made curtains a bed cover and a frilly curtain that wrapped around the bottom of the sink/cupboard. Reflecting back it probably looked like a small cake smothered in gaudy icing, but it was comfy and cosy and I was happy.

My second home was rented from a relative. It was big and empty. My new partner and I had nothing to fill it with. We initially slept on a mattress on the floor in front of an open fire!
It wasn't to be romantic or lovey dovey, nope it was because there was no heating in the house and it was the only way to keep warm lol

Next we graduated to a new build flat - it felt so posh and luxurious ... it had heating for starters and storage, it was petite but perfect. That home was pretty much always tidy and a wizz to sort out.

Next we moved to our first mortgaged home, I was married by now and desperately in love. In the Uk we have an expression .. we say the"the polish has worn off" meaning when you have been with someone for a while, that initial huge rush of love you feel for them settles down - you get into a nice routine and that huge hit of Oxytocin/love hormone that floods your brain finally settles and you are in a relationship.
 Well mine never did. I loved the chap I was with so strongly it was almost painful .. It was like a terrible teenage crush only I didn't worship him from a far I worshiped him from very, very near.
To be fair the more I loved my partner the less he cared, I was convinced he would find someone better, more attractive etc etc and life pretty much started to be uncomfortable for us both - but still I was sort of happy and the house was spick and span.

The house we moved into now (my hoarding house) started to show the cracks. It was like a self fulfilling prophecy. I knew eventually my husband would leave me because I smothered him in love but as I found out years later we were actually trapped in a really unhealthy cycle.
He was actually a passive aggressive man - a trait I don't think either of us recognised or had even heard of, but this made our lives really complicated.
 He would punish me by withdrawing love, affection and attention, so then I would try my hardest to get him to notice and love me, so on and on the cycle would continue.
Quite crazy when I look back on it but eventually it did make me feel quite ill and mentally very very low. My self esteem was at an all time low and I couldn't actually leave my home unless my husband was with me - of course by this stage my husband realised he didn't actually love me and was feeling pretty low himself, but instead of leaving the relationship he continued to live in our home and he started to treat me like a relative rather than a partner.
I knew that something was wrong but I don't think either of us understood what was occurring or possessed the energy or skills to fix it.

Obviously I'm skimming over 20 years of my life, and I'm cherry picking events that added to my homely demise.
 After 20 years my marriage ended and its fair to say it broke me, 7 years later I'm still slightly 'broken' and living in self imposed chaos and clutter.

Outwardly I present quite a self confident and assured persona (I hope) In fact I have been described as being stoic, hard and unemotional, but I always think of myself as a Swan, kind of serene and quiet above the water but peddling frantically below to stop myself from drowning.
 As a more mature adult I can look back on it all and feel sad for myself and my ex partner - about how things turned out.
Retrospect is a wonderful thing and if I had my time again obviously, I would do it all a different way.

The terrible twist in the tale?

So I'm on the road to recover right? I've sat down and analyzed the wherefores and the whys?
I know why I hoard so I should be able to start healing Blah Blah Blah ....
NO! Because after 25 plus years and 7 years of divorce and two rounds of therapy I still love my husband - see even my brain still addresses him as my husband not my ex!

And that is my shame and my unresolved issue, and why I hoard. What ever stages we move through while grieving a lost relationship - I refuse to let go.
I know it is self destructive, self deprecating and stupid for want of a basic word - but there it is!

I acknowledge the fact ... it is my dirty little secret.
I'm still in love with the man, and as sad or pathetic as it will appear to you and anyone who happens across my random musings, its the truth.

If it was a friend or a relative in a similar situation I would grasp them very firmly by the shoulders and shake & shake them till they saw sense whilst giving them a 100 reasons why he or she was being an absolute Loon!

So there we go, I rarely share these thoughts with anyone and in some or most ways, I feel terribly ashamed and juvenile to still have these feelings - but as the saying goes " it is what it is"

So after a very long post I can only say goodbye for today, If nothing else I hope I've given you food for though ... I believe there is a reason we hoard, we just have to figure out and face whatever it is.
As I admit and unburden these snippets of my life I hope my mind will be slowly become less untidy and so will my home.
Thanks for listening and I'll catch up with you soon ... Be kind to yourself from the Untidy Mind